A simple heart

I haven't taken time to write in my own space for my own spirit in a very long time.  Sitting down in a warm and cozy spot and pouring my heart out in writing used to be a cathartic and healing thing for me.  Over time, I felt that I had to pull back because I wanted to write appropriate things while I was applying for a new church position and my kids found my blog and didn't like that I would write about them. 

Putting my thoughts out into the world felt too vulnerable and I felt that I had to be guarded.  In a long talk with Paul the other night, he said that he thinks some of my anxiety and worry is coming from the sense that I haven't let my full self be present.  He was right.  

The past two years have been really, really hard for me.  They have been hard on everyone and so I don't think I'm special to feel like I'm trudging through mud.  I don't want any pity and I am not in any danger. 

However, the heightened state of the world has made it so that I've leaned on the side of saying little instead of saying something that could hurt someone. 

And while I don't plan to come out with guns blazing, I want to have a space where I can truly be myself and write about what matters to me and ponder faith and life and how to live in this fractured world in an honest way.  

Franciscan Monk Richard Rohr says that life is split into the first half and the second half.  The first half is devoted to achieving and striving and building.  This was certainly true for me as I worked tirelessly to get through college and graduate school and to build up my career.  I was insistent that I would balance motherhood and full time ministry with extraordinary ease.  I was even convinced that I could effortlessly plow through the illnesses of the last ten years and be a beacon of hope to others.  

In a conversation with someone a few months ago, I made the blanket statement that I haven't had any real struggles in my life, to which the person looked at me oddly.  It was then that I remembered that I had an early hysterectomy, three ACL reconstruction surgeries, I was on bed rest during my pregnancy and I went through two years of chemo and radiation for brain cancer.  

I think what I really meant is that I find so much joy in my life.  I am filled with so much gratitude.  I wake every single day and look at my incredible children and my incredible husband and the world's best dog and I am simply in awe. 

I spent a lot of my early twenties longing to get married.  I was told that I would never have children because of my severe endometriosis.  I thought with all of my student loan debt that I would always struggle financially.  And now, all of those desperate prayers have been answered.  I will certainly go through more difficulty and tragedy in the my life and I am sure I will fall back into a pit, but I have this moment to enjoy.  

I'm not sure if I'm in the second half of life.  I'm sure there is still some striving in me.  But each second that I can embrace for what it is feels like it's own arrival. Maybe the second half is really just moving from one state of mind to the next, from a place of desperation and scarcity to a place of acceptance and peace.  And maybe, you just learn to live more in the peace.  I hope so.